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今日2022还在看DEH的屑（aka我）终于决定去看看传说中的官方角色歌单

（Jared的歌单是Will Roland自己建的😂他在推上说过里面有很多苦大仇深的单向暗恋歌，还说Jared应该会对这些歌深有共鸣/）

注：Will是最早进剧组的一个，Jared Kleinman这个角色则是剧作家在了解卡司本人之后根据Will大概十三四岁时的性格刻画出来的。

剧本原先是想以Jared为男主，但因为后期的歌曲创作以Evan为中心的多，所以后期换了。（亲儿子惨遭抛弃/bushi）

对这些单曲有兴趣的可以直接上Spotify上找，DEH官方给每个角色都建过歌单

下面就先截取几首歌单里有代表性的歌词翻译一下

↓↓↓

翻译：“有时候我不会言语表达，不会好好说话，我心知肚明

但我很清楚自己在说什么

为什么我们不能做朋友？×n”

这段实际上非常简单明了，就是大致在讲述自己和Evan的友谊关系和自己性格上的漏洞。

在看音乐剧的过程中几乎Jared说的每句话台下的反应都是笑，几乎一切fandom都倾向于把他当成背景里的乐子人而不去深度挖掘角色。

翻译：

前面省略一部分个人认为可能和J和E过往有关的歌词，因为我不想把主观推测加进来引导话题偏向😂

“毫不惊喜，我是我自己最大的劲敌

因为每过一时半会，我就会把自己搞得一塌涂地”

翻译：“我甚至不为此生气

我此刻是如此的诚恳

虽然你将我的心千刀万剐，

虽然你教我天诛地灭

虽然我被你伤得体无完肤

把我一个人留在火海中灰飞烟灭

火焰灼烧之时我感到了疼痛

因为我打心底里为你高兴

现在成千上万的数据连点成线

及时加载上传成功”

这首我100%肯定是在“F🦆ck you, Evan! Xsshole..”事件后Jared听的。

（如果你看了音乐剧还没有意识到Jared被Evan伤得有多深的话，请去看这个视频↓↓↓

https://www.bilibili.com/video/BV1PG4y1o7J1/?share_source=copy_web&vd_source=95f1b8b7827bec16b2cd9e14ceceb978

我特地在里面剪了一些相关细节）

翻译：“去吧，离我而去

我还是一个人在家好

或许你能另找个人帮你

或许黑山研究所？

才怪，笑死，这样的几率太小

看看我，还在喋喋不休

看向外面，我方才庆幸我不是你”

恕我直言，这首歌的口吻真的很Jared🤔依然是争执后的Jared angst

翻译：“现在也都照样

我还有观众需要博得一笑

我单手抛球，使些小把戏

竭尽全力地模仿着我自己”

像Jared这种最内向的外向人格大致最好的隐喻就是小丑🤔

表面玩世不恭，哗众取宠，内心孤僻自厌。

DEH原剧本：“*Jared入场，步履中满是透着不在乎，大约只有心中最没安全感的人才能装得如此刻意。”

翻译：“直起腰杆，是时候去糊弄下一个人了

演给下一个人看

昨晚我随着人群向东，心中却一意向西

装模作样，装作你们想看到的样子

但唯独和你相处时不然

和你一起时我任由好事坏事发生流逝

不想让你和除我之外的人在一起。”

↑↑↑（苦逼单恋人）

翻译：“破电脑，一切按部就班

但如果你仔细去看，你会发现

我并不是那么特殊，我里面早已支离破碎

把自己的脸面从泥土中拾起

但我在这个时空中依然爱你

因为，亲爱的，我这辈子只是你的旧电脑

破电脑，等待着有人能来修复我的人生

一条不着边际的短信消息

如果你爱我，你可以回复吗？

为什么你看不到，这些年来只是我，只有我

你的旧电脑

你的破电脑”

Jared在很多外网的fandom里用emoji表示是💻（虽然我觉得“🤓”也挺好/bushi😂），他和Evan的cp表情也是💻🌲

官方设定里他是个computer nerd，所以笔记本电脑经常性可以用来做一个喻体

“老旧”很明显指的是“We're fAmIlY fRiEnDs.”世交，小说版本里提及过两人交情之久（我个人喜欢叫他俩“竹马”🤔）

具体意思我也不多说了，咱这也不是初中语文阅读理解😂，诸位可以按自己的理解来

总之，大致内容就到这儿了，以上基本是我个人的碎碎念➕部分character study

第二章肝出来了😂(不出意外下一章可以进入正题)

这回是Jared视角，时间轴依然顺着上一章结尾走

❗:崆峒言论预警

Notes: I improvised a bit on Jared's background and stuff, since we nevergot to know anything personal about him in the musical or the novel. Thischapter is mainly Jared's pov. It's funny how my mood change when i switch between these two characters' views. If you've ever read the first chapter, you'd probably agree it was depressing af. This one's a little shorter,and possibly a lot merrier. 

Anyways, enjoy. 

Warning: Homophobic languages.

Ch.2 Breakfast and Lies, and Everything “Nice”

“What do we do with him?”

Jared felt his eyes snap wide open at the loud whispering sounds. 

He turned around to resituate himself, unaware of the blurred surroundings. The attempt was only greeted by a loud squeak of an old couch, followed by a highly intimate interaction between his face and——what it seemed to be——the hard wooden floor.

Fantastic. His first kiss. Way to go on crossing things out on the bucket list, Kleinman.

“What-you think I WANT him here?”

“I never said YOU wanted him here. I asked what to do with him, Earl. ”

“Well how am i supposed to fucking know? It's your God damn sister! ”

At least Daisy and Donald's still busy spitting in each others' faces.

He scrambled up, reaching up to the couch pointlessly, until something cold and light hit his finger tips. 

 Bingo. 

Jared blinked, feeling his views clearing up as he slipped his lenses back on, and he soon found himself in the middle of hell.

Well, Not exactly “the hell”(tm) kinda hell.

He swear he'd rather be down there instead of...stuck here. At least according to his way too religious aunt, he'd “find his kind” on the ground floor down in “the fiery pits.”  

“Why didn't you reject her! We're not paid nannies! We don't get to clean up after the psychotic mess she made!”

And.....there she go again.

“Don't pretend to be the victim here! If anything, I should be the one feeling terrified!”

Hun. R00d.

The hushed argument was taking place a few feet away in a small kitchen, and Jared was sure if it goes on just a little longer, the two would be spilling out their homophobic guts all over the place in no time.

Unfortunately, he would need enough energy to sit through all this drama. 

“And the gay terrorist has arrived!” He exclaimed dramatically as he entered the kitchen, an obnoxious grin forming on his face. 

The fact that he knew it was “obnoxious”, really did say a lot about Jared's personality somehow, but that was beyond the point. 

He knew exactly what he was doing.

The two adults went silent, probably startled by his early presence, or maybe just startled by him overall.

A second or two passed, yet the tension hung in the air, almost creating a delusion of a time-freeze in one of those retro-sci-fi movies.

“What? Pancake's got your tougue? Not gonna say hi to your favorite slash only nephew?” He laughed, shoving the awkwardness out of his head before it gets to him. 

That's usually how things are with Jared. Better to aggravate someone into paying attention than being ignored. 

“Yes, of course. Good morning, Jared. How are you settling in?” Aunt Hilda finally faked a polite enough smile to present. 

He squinted.

Blank. Just a masked up expression, nothing more. 

“Good.” He replied in a vague tone.

 If she's gonna go with hypocrisy, and forget about the fact they were just trash-talking behind someone's back a few seconds ago, two can play at this game. 

“Went for a walk around the neighborhood. Lovely people you guys have here. Oh, and by the way, does the word faggxt mean something different in your little 2-giga-town, or should i consider myself honored?”

Earl stared hard at the kitchen counter as if it he could burn holes in it. 

“That's.....wonderful. Made any new friends?” Hilda continued on with her false friendliness despite the fact that Jared was surely getting to her nerves. 

For a second, he couldn't decide if his response to this one should be genuine or snarky. 

See, “genuine” was never his  strong suit when it comes to ignorant bigots like these people, but he could at least cut them some slack since they're seemingly still trying to be polite.

“I know a lovely young girl just across the street. Maybe we could intro——”

“No thanks. ” he cut her off, not bothering to let her finish. 

“Trying to be polite” his ass. 

It was all just part of her homophobic schemes to “fix” him. Was the whole “coming out speech” last hanukah all for nothing? 

Screw “cutting them some slack”.

“I did meet a cute guy last night, if that's what you're asking. ” 

The woman's  forced smile faltered a bit at the statement. Her eyes glanced over the dining table and drifted back in disbelief. 

“Look...Jared, honey, we're trying to help. But we can't help you if you don't want to get better.”

“I'm just trying to tell the truth. ” He snorted, stuffing pancakes in his mouth during the process. 

Glancing around the room, he seemed to be the only person with an appetite at the moment.

Oh this was just getting good.

He WAS telling the truth though. He did in fact “meet” a guy while climbing up a tall sycamore the other day. 

Why was he up in a tree? No idea. Guess he just needed a place to finally be alone. 

The street was pretty vacant at the time, but he couldn't  help but notice how several strangers passing by looked at him in disgust.

Yup. That's the small county vibe alright.

After the semi-public confrontation with his relatives last year, he was sure even the youngest of children were warned by their parents to “stay away from the creep”. 

And so after getting multiple insults from random bikers along his walk, Jared decided it was time for some quality solitude——the real question being：where. 

Not in his aunts house, apparently. 

That was practically the complete opposite of what he wanted. His not-really-related uncle simply ignores him, and his kinda-related aunt kept trying to fix him with a girl for some reason.

Jared wondered why his mother thought it was a good idea to send him all the way to a conservative dark-age town for the summer. He's pretty sure at some point of the talk they had, “going out side”“make new friends”“have some fun with no computer screens around” popped up, but he didn't take half of them seriously with his brain full of excuses and combacks at the time.  

When you've been forced to listen your entire life, all there's left to do is talk. 

It didn't matter exactly WHAT he said. As long as he kept his mind busy with a nonsensical speech, and blocked all those voices around him, he'd be fine. Listening, on the other hand, never worked out. All It did was lay the obvious problems out in plain sight, and once it's done, none of the issues are actually resolved. It's still there. 

Jared remembered scanning the area before heading for the closest thing to a shelter——a tree. 

A few seconds of climbing didn't seem much of an exercise when you think about it. 

Just one branch at a time, one step after the other. 

Easy enough.

...Though he would never have found the sudden passion of scaling up this far if he was back home in the city.

Who needs a tree as some secret hide out when you have a perfectly secured indoored room?

He was just setting himself between two large branches when he caught someone starring in a moving vehicle below. 

Looking down, Jared managed to get a better view of his stalker：

Grey eyes, dirty-blond hair, freckles spreaded across his face. He was wearing a blue striped polo, and had a cast over his left arm. 

The boy caught his glance, but very much to his surprise, didn't seem to show any sign of fear or disgust. He just stared, or rather, observed in a weird awkward kind of way.

Jared couldn't help but smile a little. 

At least it means this stranger didn'tknow anything about him yet, which is good enough for him, since after spending a total of three hours outside, he could at least call himself a minor scandal celebrity around town.

He could have made out more of his appearance with the advantage of his current height on the tree, but the car moved away before he had the chance to take a second glance. 

Jared leaned out almost automatically, eyes tracing back to the car window for a closer look, when a loud snap of the ground brought him back to reality. 

Except....he wasn't on the GROUND. 

Shit.

......

The story itself was far too cliche to be brought up in a conversation, which was why it hit Jared by surprise at how well it all just fit in the scenario.

 Jared was thankful none of his “relatives” cared enough to ask where he'd been last night. Tumbling down a tree headfirst into a bush wasn't something to be proud of. He'd have to blame the stalker guy for this, also his weak nerd arms. 

Breakfast was quiet, and so was the rest of that morning. Jared busied himself with a deck of old CnC notes he had with him, which was basically all that's left of his scarce property after his mom confiscated all the electronics.

Earl left at some point in the afternoon, while Hilda finally decided to giveup on the futile fake politeness, and headed to visit the neighbors.

For the first time, Jared had the whole house to himself. 

There weren't much things for him to explore. The rooms, the house plants, the old furnitures were exactly the same compared to his last visit, but he wandered around anyways.  

Judging from the crappy excuses they made before leaving, chances are no one would be returning until 11.

When the two of them returned, however, it was about 8 pm.

“You're back early.” 

“ together.” He added with a quizzical look.

Earl seemed to be in a good mood, and stood close by the door twirling his car keys with one hand. 

“Hey, honey.” Hilda said with an expression that could only interpreted as creepy.

“Let me guess, you're gonna put a bag over my head and sell me to some illegal clinic down the dark ally?” Jared forced a casual laugh out of his throat. 

All jokes aside, he still backed away a little, just in case.

“You're ao funny, Jarey.” Hilda laughed a little，“We  absolutely LOVED your company these days.”

Jarey??? 

Uh-oh. Red alert.

“lovED?”

“Your uncle and I are a little too busy these couple of weeks. We won't be able to take care of you——”

“I'm seventeen. I don't NEED babysitting.” He argued.

“Yes, but leaving a child alone in the house could be dangerous here, so we were thinking...” She trailed off for a while to see his reaction, “How would you feel about living in our friend's house for a while？”

Jared blinked. 

Well at least he's not getting his organs harvested in some sketchy OR.

我的ADHD大脑让我连续肝了一章一万多字的kleinsen文（hyperfocus' a b!tch）

本身想发a站上试水来着🤔，但现在写到第二章莫名没动力了。所以先发lof上看看能不能激（bi）励（po）我自己写下去lol🤪（以及，国内kleinsen粮太少）

总之，这是第一章，算是个《Benny and Joon》AU（对，Johnny Depp演的那个），但除了电影的背景设定和部分故事情节以外可以说是一点都异模异样了😂

Ps, N多年没写东西了，渣文笔，见谅🙏🏻

Summary: Being a kid with social anxieties could be tough, but when you live in a small town where it goes undiagnosed and suppressed, things are even harder. Evan Hansen was exactly all of the above. His mom was too busy to be there for him, his dad wanted to put him in a mental hospital,  the people in town thought he was a retarded moron, and yet he still couldn't seem to figure out what was wrong with himself. However, things started to take a turn for Evan when a boy showed up on the front yard tree near his house.

Author's Note: This is actually my first kleinsen fic. I haven't written any stories for a while, so......sorry if it's kinda boring to read. The settings and plots are roughly based on Benny and Joon. I personally loved the movie back in middle school. No major out of character behaviors tho. As i said, it's only partially based off the movie. Evan might be kinda autistic in some of his inner monologues, but that's probably because I'm autistic myself. I'm mainly trying to write something similar to the entire sensation of two person who don't exactly fit in the norm, but understand each other in their own ways. A few made-up characters are placed between the lines to get the story going. Don't worry though, none of them are important. The first chapter is going to be long and....tbh it's pretty depressing. I remember going through the lines and thinking to myself: Okay...this is getting way too emotional. Anyways, gotta stop before the author's note gets any longer. Enjoy :)

ch.1 Not Too Heinous Night

Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip.

“Hey, Cal. Ready for a new round?”

“Sure. Let's see what kinda trick you can pull off this time,  you old snitch.”

The bustling conversations from behind are loud and clear even with constant buzzings of the heater, or soft tapping sounds on the windowsill. 

Outside, was a much quieter world, it seems. No cars passing by, No dogs barking up at strangers on the streets. A tall oak tree sat a few feet away in the backyard, where a blue pick-up truck was parked under the shades. The remains of light rain from earlier that afternoon found their way to a lower level with the help of gravity.

Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip.

“What's with the boy?”

Came the icebreaking question.

Evan heard but didn't bother to turn or answer. Not because he was trying to form an angsty teen persona, far from it actually, but for the simple reason that he knew these people well enough to understand the question wasn't directed at him. 

This is something only people who lived in small towns would understand. The familiarity that makes things so predictable that it stings you with boredom.

Evan, of course, had no reason to complain. Especially when he, of all people, caused the most “boredom”.

Mom was bored enough to leave for work at five in the morning and not return until 10pm. He literally bored a total of twelve “babysitters” to leaving without their monthly payment over the past few years. And though no one told him so, Evan was certain that dad left for the very same reason.

“Heidi left him here so she can take the shift for tonight. ” 

“Must have been hard.”

Must have been hard. 

Again, Evan knew the adults well enough to understand that it's not work they're talking about. 

It's him. 

The same statement could be heard here and there overtimes. Either from Dr.Sherman, or from the school counselor. 

Having a dysfunctional 17-year-old to drag you down is hard. 

Being a single mother with a “retarded”son is hard. 

Putting up with Evan, overall, is hard.

He wasn't sure if he was retarded though. Sure, something is wrong with him—— The way he panics in front of people, the way he remains quiet almost 24 hours a day, how he failed Spanish last semester because he was too nervous to give a presentation in front of fourty people in class, but no, Evan wasn't intellectually challenged. He did well at school, didn't get himself into any trouble, tried hard not to draw too much attention.

The neighborhood, on the other hand, might disagree. Even his mother started to believe he's mentally unstable after what happened last summer.

“Why were you climbing up a tree?” He remembered the look on her face when she picked him up from the school clinic.

“I-I don't...know.” He knew, but he doubt if the truth would make the situation better. 

As the matter of fact, he climbed several trees over the years, specifically the old sycamore right beside their house. He just never felt the obligation to tell her about it. He's a senior. Fully capable of doing things himself, aside from ordering take out or going to grocery stores alone. 

“We can't keep doing this, Evan. We can't......Your dad, he's concerned——I'm concerned.”

“No, I know.” He managed to sit up from the bunk, carefully placing his left arm on his side.

“Don't you wanna change? Honey, it's been twelve years.”

It hurt, how she always pretended his problems were caused by his dad or their divorce, even if it didn't make any sense, even when it's actually just the other way around. 

He must have said “yes”, because a week later Heidi brought him to Dr.Sherman for their first therapy.

Great. Just what people needed to confirm his mental illness. 

Although, no one exactly said those things to him in person.

None of the gossips would be stated out loud or it wouldn't be a gossip.

But you do get the whole concept from their looks, the cut-off small talks that comes to a sudden halt whenever you pass by, laughters and snickers down the hallway at your direction. It was meant to be subtle, but for some reason, he heard, or rather, listened. 

When you don't talk much, listening is all there's left for you to do. 

Just sit there in a corner of a classroom, and feel your own existence resolve into thin air as the endless rants continues on, unaware of your presence.

Or maybe....they just didn't care enough to put in the effort of sugarcoating it more, because why would they? 

“Full house! Jacks over fours!”

A loud thumping on the table was all it took for Evan to snap out of his anxious thoughts. He flinched a bit when a side of his cast hit the window frame. 

“Shit, Denise..”

“I thought you were bluffing”

Evan turned around when he noticed the tense atmosphere in the room. “Denise”, who he had known more as Mrs. Richardford from across the street charged off in a  huff.

“Well, shoot. Sore loser.” 

“Nah. She's just had a bad day.”

“Bad day? I have to deal with a psycho for weeks.” Earl（Evan didn't know his last name.）grunted.

“Come on. Nephews are cute. I have a couple of those back in Omaha.” Syd, a waitress at Melissa's Dinners laughed. 

“He's practically an adult. I'd rather call a raccoon cute.” Earl rolled his eyes as he collected his cards.

“Speaking of which, care to bring him over to play? Denise won't be back any time soon.”

“Sure. If you wanna end up with him talking for two hours straight about some computer gigs shit.”

The three then busted out into laughters.

“Guess we'll have to call it a night then. ” Cal (a Ms. Caloria) said in slight reluctance, “That is, unless we get Hansen boy over there to play.”

Evan stared. Unsure if it's a joke or an honest invitation. Perhaps it was both, and could only be defined as either one if he answered, like Schrödinger's cat. Only that envoled less awkward social contacts.

Just as he was about to turn it down——of course he'd turn it down. He doesn't know crap about cards. Just the basics——a sudden burst of knocking on the door came to his rescue. Evan glanced over at the clock——nine thirty. That's his cue.

He walked to the door, avoiding eye contacts with the table of drunk adults.

“I'll take that as a yes?” He turned back, only to see four pairs of expectant eyes witn unreadable expressions. 

“Your mom's gonna be dropping you off tomorrow.”

“uh...okay?” He made a quick response before closing the door behind him, shaking off the thought almost immediately.  That was.... weird. What was even weirder was the sudden change in their attitudes towards him. Usually the three (sometimes four) adults just tend to  ignore him, and would only bring his name up in random jokes. For the first time, those people seemed to be oddly invested in his taking part of their game. 

Evan shuddered at the thought. He never liked those people, and had only given out the response so he could leave. But then again, it's not like anyone wouldremember by tomorrow, right? He's not exactly bounded by law after giving a vague “okay”.

“Hey, honey. Sorry, i got caught up with some last-minute schedule changes. The hospital's been pretty busy since June.” Heidi was waiting at the front porch with weary eyes by the time he stepped outside. 

She continued on talking as they both made their way to the car.

“No. It's okay.” Evan said as he attempted to force a reassuring smile, settling down in the backseats.

“I'll be home by seven tomorrow. Lisa's gonna take up my shift in trade of today's. We could go out for dinner by then.”

Attempt failed. She clearly saw the disappointed frown through the review mirror.

“Oh, um...i just remembered i had this assignment for the summer.” 

As thrilled as he was at the thought of spending time with his mother, Evan knew he couldn't keep making her come up with excuses to miss work. He was also well aware of the fact that there is no such thing as a “trade” shift in the hospital. You either fill in for the day, or leave it up to someone else.

“Isn't that due till next month?”

“No. That's the...uh....other assignment？Don't worry. You can go to work.”

At this point of the conversation, both of them understood the implications. It was almost like talking in codes. The only difference being, none of them would want to ripp off the heavy hints and speak their mind like normal people. 

“Okay then. I'll drop you off tomorrow if that's okay with you.” The compromise came a lot sooner than he expected, which usually means she's either too tired to be stubborn about it, or too busy the next day.

The rest of their ride home was quiet, just like any other nights.

Evan stared out the slightly dis-shaped view from the window, watching familiar neighborhood houses pass by.

Everything seemed calm and right in place at this hour of the night: 

dim street lights along the way, a couple of different fenses circling the houses, some boy sitting on the sycamore.....

wait, WHAT???

Evan turned his head back to where the car had just pass. Did he honestly spend so much time alone, that he's finally lost it? But as his sight refocused on the spot, sure enough, right there on the perch of two huge branches, was a person——

Dark-brownish hair, blue eyes, a pair of glasses slightly ascewed——possibly from the climbing. He was about Evan's age, wearing a red T-shirt, plain shorts, a shirt tied around his waist.

The stranger immediately noticed Evan's gaze and, seemingly amused, returned it with a smirkish grin, revealing a tiny gap between his front teeth. 

The two locked eyes for a second. 

Normally, Evan would dart his glance elsewhere, but at that very moment, when he was still trying to figure out weather this is a real living human or just his crazy imagination of some human-formed chipmunk, he allowed his gaze to linger on a little longer.

Finally, their few seconds of interaction was cut off by the growing distance in between.

Evan blinked. 

Turns out, a few more seconds of observing the guy wasn't enough for him to make a conclusion. He leaned in closer, squinting through the glass as the car slowly moved towards their driveway.  

No sign of him. 

接昨天瞎划拉的音乐剧AU，下面以半剧本形式展现——Jared和麦扣醉酒怒唱分手歌

本来想再自己翻译一下的，但懒癌犯了😂暂时先这样吧）

原歌曲：↓↓↓

《In Love With You》 ——Zachary Levi

Michael: Dude! You're The one who taught me to set up boundaries and shit! You can't just lie there on the bathroom floor drunk grieving forever!

Jared:(*hic) TrY mEeeE.

Michael:(*sign）He got the girl, didn't he?

Jared: heh. Not just that. (*hic) Went right up to second base～ I could practically hear him smirk in my face...HeY that just rhymed.... (*cough) All “🎵WiTh ThE tAsTe oF yUr LiPs iiiiii wAnNa riiiiDe🎶～”

Michael: THAT'S IT. You are NOT, gonna keep doing this.

Jared: What. So i can't even sing in my own fucking bathroom now?

Michael: No. But You're practically disregarding Britney with that amount of drunk singing.

Jared: 'M nOt DRUN（*hic) drUnK!

Michael: Sure. Now let's get you up, and uh...（*Gestures at the set of bottles in his hands) Get some real alcohol to dwell on. (*Pulling Jared by the arm) c'mon.

Jared:（*gets up and took a close look at Michael's face) Jesus. What's up with you?

Michael: Don't ask. I'm way too sober for this talk right now. (*picks up a new bottle and downs it)

Jared: WoAh. Easy there tiger..... You know you're still underaged right?

Michael: Do most underaged kids get themselves through this kinda shit? 

Jared: Toche.

......

Jared: So... What do we do? Just....get drunk in my bathroom forever?

Michael: (*hums) I was thinking....a get-over-him ritual? Delete all his photos or some shit? Pretend to talk to him? You know, therapy stuff...

Jared: (laughs) Wow. So original.

Michael: Well excuse me for trying to help......

Jared: OkayOkay. My bad. So uh.... Where do we start, Mr. free-lance-shrink?

Michael:（*wobbly stands up and points to thin air）There.

Jared: There.....what?

Michael:(*hic) There. Pretend that's where Evan's standing, right here, right now.

Jared: O...kay?

Michael: Now, talk.

Jared: About what?

Michael: Anything! Every single thing that comes up to your mind at the moment!

Jared: uh...like a fuck-you sentiment?" I hate you and you're dick" That kinda cliché?

Michael: NoT tO meE! To hiiiiim.

Jared: (*takes a drink) Fine. But we're not telling anyone about this...And don't you even think about filming it and posting this crap on some weirdwebsite.

Michael: Jared.

Jared: Alright, Alright. Guess we're on the same boat anyways.

🎵

Jared:I never knew what love was like until I fell for your gaze

Then suddenly I felt something that time cannot erase~🎵

Michael: Jare....I thought you were——

Jared: sssSssSHHHhhh～ I'm gEtTiNgg tHeRe.

Jared: 🎶Your smile so sweet and subtle

Your voice deep but soft

The kind of guy I could pine on forever

All these years we spent together

And in my life I don't think I've ever——🎶

Michael:（*raises an eyebrow）

Jared:🎵

Been so f**king wrong!!!🎶🎶🎶🎶

You're a b***h with no heart

You're a liar you are pxssy and I

Hate the way you panic at night～🎵

Michael: Dude!!!! You had me worrying for a sec!!! Nice twist, keep it up!

Jared: You got it!

Jared:🎶

All your quirks piss me off and I

Hate to break it to ya, honey, I

Never liked your stupid facts about trees and vines～🎶

You're a stuck-up, anxious as fuck kind of tactless boring too

And I really can't believe I ever fell in love——with you

🎶YouuuUUuuu oooohhh～～～🎶

Jared: Your turn, Bob Marley.(*finger gun)

Michael: Right on!

Michael:🎶🎶🎶

I know that all changed suddenly

But things weren't always bad

In fact I think some moments we shared

Were the best that I've ever had🎶

Jared: Very specific.

Michael: Hey! No judging!（*points a bottle at Jared）

Jared: 🤐

Michael:🎵

Like our sleepovers at summer

Or when we got stoned on my basement floor

You always joked about how my hoodies could fit you

Still recall the time I got that tattoo with you

But that's before you let that floppy disk through🎶————

In your freakin'' brain!!!!🎶🎶🎶

You're a dumb-friggin'-simp, boy you never cared about me

And at times you got a furry kink～～～

Jared: HA! You're a natural.... I'm impressed.

Michael: Learnt from the best（*wink）

Michael:

🎶You may say it's been fun but your 'no homo' rants are boring

And I assure you Christine can do better than a twink～～～

All you care about is how to

Get all popular and "cool"

Not a guy in his right mind

Would ever fall in love————with you🎵

🎶YoooooOOOoouu～ oooOOOh🎵

Jared: 🎶🎶🎶🎶

You always criticized the flirty jokes i threw at you, i swear

If you really didn't take the hint, then I suggest you get repaired~🎵

Michael：🎶🎶🎶🎶

You called me a giant loser, ditched me on a party night

And I'm pretty sure that stupid tic-tac

Wasn't there to fuck with your mind～（oh woah wooooah)

Jared:🎵

If you were busted or arrested

For all the shit you did, you're fucked

Michael:🎵

I guess that I'd be sad but then again it wouldn't suck～～～

Jared:

 Oh, It wouldn't suck～～～

Both:🎶

So goodbye and hit the road, cuz you got an “F” on the “friend” test

Find some other chump that you can fleece

Years from now when you're old and you're there on your deathbed

I hope that you don't rest in peace~~~

Never met someone so selfish

My whole life wasted on you🎶

Michael:🎶

After all that I've endured now～

Jared:🎶

You can safely rest assured now-～

Both:

That your ex is up-and-cured now!!!

Both:

Yes I'm so done being in love!!!!!!

in love———— with you～

OoooOoOhhhh

We're through yeah yeah🎵

Michael:🎵

We're so done, Jeremy honeybun it's like over

It was on now, oh it's gone now I don't need a pill for my composure

Jared:🎵

So God bless you're a mess, That is what you call "closure"

Both: 

So!!!!!done!!!!being!!!!in!!!!!!love!!!!!with~you~~~！！！

以下meme梗图以BMC和DEH为主，含微量Heathers等其他音乐剧，仅供娱乐，多采取意译

总之，enjoy

-妈妈，为什么表哥叫宝石啊？

-因为你姨当年喜欢宝石啊

-那我呢？

-少瞎问问题，树!

(如图，懂得都懂系列，不用翻了😂)

平行线:两条永远不可能相交或重合的直线

举例:

AB——麦扣·梅尔

CD——顺性别直男

“你最大的恐惧是什么？”

“有时候我不知道，自己是更希望不只是苟且偷生(《More Than Survive》，还是向着窗外招手(《Waving Through A Window》”

「数学」:

「物理」:

「化学」:麦扣✘Bathroom

“秋季最大的派对”    “麦扣”

                                                                                    “厕所”

(🎶“I am hanging in the bathroom, at the biggest party of the fall”😂)

“哦看呀! 是Heathers!”

正常人看到的:一支笔

BMC粉:IT'S FROM JAPAAAAAANNNNNNNN!!!!

“不是所有男生都——”你说的对，麦扣梅尔绝对不会干这混账事👏🏻

GS(原卡Michael的卡司):＊呼吸空气＊

BMC粉丝:😯🔥🔥💥

你们知道SQUIP是个大反派对吧？因为哪个有良心的人会看着Jeremy Heere 「戴着小眼镜穿着他那身超码的羊毛衫，手还时不时藏在袖子里」  的样子然后说:“这孩子必须赶紧改变!”？？？

「早期野生麦扣·梅尔洗礼的稀有照片」

(谢谢，已经笑死了😂)

「po主:我在饭桌上笑出猪叫」

(解释: 是音乐剧《Kinky Boots》的海报，但是p了Will Roland—即Jared的脸“Has been ROUGH.” “KiNkY~🤓”)

Jared: 嘿我听说平均每4个人里有1个是gay。所以理论上讲咱四个里边有人是gay。

Connor: 你觉着是谁？

Jared: 不知道啊，但我希望是Evan。Evan蛮可爱的。

Alana: 呃—

Connor: 别。让他自己慢慢品去。

监狱:

匪徒1号:所以各位都是咋进来的？

匪徒2号:我装成外科大夫进手术室，把病人用他自己的肠子吊死了

匪徒3号:我抢了十万刀，喂，墙角边上那个!你干了啥？

我，神秘地转过身:

我根本忍不住看那场《致埃文汉森》的盗摄...

Alana:嘿Jared你是棵松树吗？因为我很确定你在pining(单向暗恋/谐音松树)

Jared:没准我是棵树的话Evan就会爱我了...

Alana: Jared, 

Jared, 道歉: · · - / ··· --  · - ·  · - ·  -·--

Evan: 你嘛呢？

Jared: 摩斯码式道歉

Evan: 谢谢我现在更生气了...

Jared, 尬撩ing: 早啊帅哥，常客吗？

Evan: Jared你啥时候跑我房间里来了

Zoe: 早。

Alana: 早。

Evan: 早。

Connor: 你们这一个个跟机器人似的多没劲，就不能来点新鲜的？

Jared:早啊傻杯们。

Will Roland(OBC原卡Jared的卡司)，评论了 致埃文汉森音乐剧 : “我喜欢那个戴眼镜的乐子男孩。他简直帅呆了。”

(每日自恋lol😂)

Jared: 别不好意思约我出去~

Connor: 好嘞。

Connor: 给我出去。

Michael: 男友太高亲不到怎么办？

Rich: 照他肚子来一拳然后趁他疼得弯下腰那一瞬间，亲他一下。

Jake: 把他绊倒。

Chloe: 甩了得了。

Jenna: 踢他髋骨。

Jeremy: 你 们 有 多 远 给 我 润 多 远 让 我 弯 个 腰 有 这 么 难 嘛

1. George Salazar if you're reading this, I'm so sorry

   （翻译：GS如果你在读这篇文的话我错了🙏🏻）

2. my apologies to Ben Platt and the entire cast

   （翻译：我真心对小本和整个卡司组表示歉意）

3. will roland squared

   （翻译：Will Roland²/WR的平方）/因为这篇是个DEH和BMC crossover😂（同一个卡司梗）

4. jaremy's dad:gaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy————mers.

   （翻译：/Jere老爹：基————机游玩家。）

5. this is what happens when your only obsession is will roland

   （翻译：过度迷恋Will Roland的结果）

6. trans!jared, idk, he got the dic thing（sorry, im not trans）

   （翻译：跨！Jared，不知道，他搞了内个diao玩意//dbq，我不是跨）

   （↑PS，我看完tag直接be like：噢....../*吸气/————这位姐姐您不是跨为啥要写跨我的天你们刻板印象cis直人闲的没事有什么大病吗草/facepalm//srds，讲真的，这篇过于诡异了，别读）

7. me writing any fic be like: but what if jared cries!!!

   （翻译：“我”写几乎任何文be like：但要是Jare哭了捏！！！）

8. sorry if it's shit i wrote it when i was 13 and never looked at it ever since

   （翻译：抱歉写得太烂了我13岁时写的然后至今没有敢再看一眼）

   我：您给我们看的时候倒是挺好意思的哈（不过写得还行，只是有一些typo啥的）

9. c-c-c-come on, c-c-c-come on, go go! im waitin for my Pinterestto load～

   （不需要翻译了//BMC音乐剧歌词梗，只不过porno换成Pinterest了😂）

10. jared is as straight as a rainbow

    （翻译：Jared直得跟条彩虹一样😂）

11. michael is straight in this fic

    （翻译：麦扣在这篇fic里是直的）

    我本人读完这篇be like：？？？谢谢，音乐剧麦扣和“直”真的不能说有点关系也只能说是一点边都沾不上了😂

12. who else dere droolin ova will rolandz assssssss

    （翻译：还有谁在馋will roland的assss?）

    我:(读完标签physically&mentally cringing) 我超,这位同志,咱还是矜持点....吧

13. dibs on george salazarrrrrrrrrr/ oh wait im gay

    （翻译：GS归我喽～/哎等等我原来是钙）