LOFTER-网易轻博

Wither Thou Goest

【DECEMBER 31st / THE SAFE HOUSE / 11:15PM】

 

Things had been a little...awkward.

 

Not that she's not glad she had Luke and Moira back in her life. It's just that they were always cautious and gingerly around her.

 

Every time she went to their house to see Hannah, Luke would stay away but not far from and watching them play. 

 

June could see in his eyes that he wanted to talk or at least just exchange some sentences about meaningless things but he didn't know how.

 

And June didn't know how either.

 

After all, she's not the June she was four years ago, and Luke was...well, still Luke. 

 

Father of Hannah. Friend of Moira. Her husband.

 

With Moira though, it was less awkward since they shared some similar experiences. But it was those different parts of experiences which involved a certain blonde that really wore June out. So she said “fine” every time when Moira asked her how she was doing.

 

And it was not only Luke and Moira. 

 

No matter where she went, whether it was the helping group that she was legally obliged to go to or the freaking supermarket, people always treated her with care and kindness and encouragements of sorts.

 

People treated her as a victim of Gilead.

 

It's sickening and suffocating.

 

She's not a victim. She didn't want to be.

 

June stood beside the kitchen counter twirling the wine glass in her hands. 

 

The house was quiet and it was what June wanted. She already sent Nicole to Luke and Moira's.

 

Five years ago, June would've thrown a big party and invited everyone she knew. But it was the twenty-second day of freedom and it was the thirty-seventh day of insomnia.

 

So she wanted to spent the new year's eve alone.

 

With Whiskey.

 

That's why she agreed to the grand Christmas party that Luke and Moira held in their house a few days ago, so that they can leave her alone on this day and babysitting Nicole. 

 

Everyone she could possibly know was at the party.

 

Luke and Moira were the hosts. Emily and her wife Sylvia and their son Oliver werethe first ones to come and helped with the meals. Janine and baby Charlotte showed up with Rita who was carrying a massive amount of carefully-wrapped presents. Even Nick and his black shirt attended.

 

By the time June knocked on the door while carrying Nicole, they were already waiting for them. Hannah was the one who answered the door and she gave June a long hug.

 

It was a vibrant party, just like Luke and Moira promised.

 

It made sense. Gilead is... well, there was no longer a “Gilead”.

 

That fact alone was worth celebrating for.

 

And everyone's happy.

 

Except for June.

 

But she should, shouldn't she?

 

She's got both of her daughters back and her husband and best friend back and managed to save lots and lots of lives.

 

Not to mention that she's still alive. Still breathing. And had the liberty to choose.

 

So why wasn't she happy?

 

June poured herself another glass of Whiskey and went to the living room taking the bottle with her. She sat down on the sofa that was too big for one person.

 

She drank the glass clean sip by sip while staring at the glass table in front of her.

 

When she reached out to the table's surface for the bottle and tried to pour herself yet another drink, she accidentally knocked the big thing over.

 

"Shit!"

 

June went into the kitchen to get some napkins and got tripped over by the stool on her way back to the living room, but she got up right away and wiped the spilled liquid clean and saved the thing that was on the table.

 

Serena's gloves.

 

"For fuck's sake, Osborne."

 

June picked up the damp thing in her hands and cursed herself out loud. 

 

It was the only thing Serena left.

 

Even though that wasn't true because technically Serena also left her a wedding ring and Nicole.

 

But June's drunk and she didn't give a rat's ass.

 

"Can you wash this in the machine?" June's not sure who she was asking but there were words coming out of her mouth.

 

"I don't really know." June answered herself.

 

It's not a surprise that a drunken June used her last bit of sense to try to assess the damage and it took her five whole minutes to pick both of the gloves up from the table. 

 

But it was a big ass surprise, shock really, that she found a letter that was folded nicely and being sewed into the lining of the gloves. 

 

Before June's mind could take a second to figure out what she should do with thisnew information, her hands had already cut open the stitches and took the letter out clumsily.

 

When her eyes recognized the handwriting on the cover of the letter, June's mindfinally became functional again. And then she started shaking uncontrollably and put the letter on the glass table with the face down.

 

June went into the bathroom and turned on the water tap and closed it when the water began to overflow the edge of the sink.

 

She dipped her head into the water and held her breath.

 

Ten minutes later, June walked out of the bathroom with her hair wet and her mind clear. 

 

June sat on the floor leaning against the sofa's rim and picked up the letter.

 

On the covers was Serena's chirography --  

 

To June,

The mother of my daughter, 

My dearest and my heart and soul, 

MY JUNE

 

June opened the letters with trembling hands, and inside it's written--

 

June, 

Hi. 

It's me, Serena.

As i'm writing this letter, you're sound asleep beside me on what's became OUR bed for the past weeks and months with your hair covering half of your face and your body warm. Yet still restless. You didn't change much Missy. But i did. Oh i sure did.

Today we launched a war against Gilead, an unscrupulous place that i helped created, and i couldn't be happier. I'm sorry that i can't let you know more about my plan but i'm sure you'll understand.

It breaks my heart to say that if you're reading this, then i probably didn't make it. Or at least didn't make it well enough to be there with you and Nicole. 

NICHOLE. God, I wish i did make it.

I want to tell you how much i appreciate you calling her that. But words failed me every time and i guess you already knew what i want to say.

You always know. Right?

 

It's funny isn't it?

Two people that in any common senses should be hating each other into pieces ended up finding themselves in the other person.

I guess the universe does have its wicked sense of humor.

 

When did it all start?

I'm not sure about you but for me, i lost a long time ago when i hugged you from behind in this very room. I know it was not a competition, or it's not suppose to beone, but i lost anyway. 

I lost in your clear crystal blue eyes and i lost in the way you looked at me.

I've always wondered if it's a good thing or a bad thing that we met under these unusual circumstances. 

I hate Gilead. I hate everything and everyone in it. I had thought of bringing it down before if i'm being completely honest. But i didn't know how or where to start. So eventually i caved in. I buried myself in gardening and painting. I became a good WIFE.

But my hatred for it had mixed with some other feelings that i can't put a name to.Because as twisted as it is, Gilead is the reason why you and i met.

 

I will never forget that day. 

I was not in a good mood to say the least. When i woke up that morning every part of my body hurt. After the breakfast i went to the greenhouse only to find that i didn't close the door properly the night before and my roses were in a critical shape. Just when i saved most of them and went back to the house for some cleaning up, Aunt Lydia told me that the new Handmaid had arrived.

And there you were standing in that little room and i walked in and you looked at me in the eyes.

I felt SEEN.

You didn't see a Commander's wife with a ridiculous act of affectation and a pathetic facade. You saw ME. I was fucking terrified to say the least. Because nobody ever did. Not my mother not even Fred, actually least of all Fred. And everything i did ever since, good and bad, was me trying to hold on to the little dignity i had left, if i did have any.

I failed, of course, epically.

But how could i not? When i'm standing in front of life?

Yes, that's what you are. LIFE. 

Life of every single piece of remaining hope in this world and as well as mine. 

Too bad i realized that a little bit too late. 

I'm sorry that i used that word again. But i don't think i ever thought of you as one.

Deep down in my heart you were always JUNE to me. And I'd like to see that day, the day we met, as the first day of the rest of my life.

 

You saved me, June. 

You helped me became the person that i knew i could be. You pulled the drowning me out of the water and you gave me a direction, a purpose. 

And a daughter.

I can never thank you enough for bringing Nicole into my life. She's the sweet juice of the golden apple and you are my angel flung out of space.

You have no idea how happy i was when you said the other day that Nicole had my eyes and my weird sleeping habits (she does, doesn't she?). At that moment i looked at you and our daughter and i forgot where i was for a second. It felt so surreal.

I've always wanted to be a mother but never in a million years had i imagined it would be like this.

I wouldn't trade this for anything else though. 

Do you know why?

Because you taught me how to love.

A thing that I never thought i'm capable of.

But I do, love you, June. I do.

 

I've pictured it so many times. 

Of our little apartment in Canada nears the big cities but not too much. 

Of our little fight over what color should we paint our walls (i'm thinking maybe beige? To give it a bright tone) and you win the argument in the end like you always do. 

Of waking up next to you every morning and drifting off to sleep with you in my arms without the fear of ever being broken apart.

I know, it sounds very cliche. Stop it, i can see you rolling your eyes.

But it's the truth.

I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you and Nicole.

I will not let you down. Both of you.

 

I am a religious woman and i always will be.

My God said “love thy neighbor as thyself” and I didn't. I've paid my price. 

I know better now.

So trust me when i say that i'm going to give you a goodnight kiss after i'm finished with this letter.

And trust me when i say that you and Nicole are the best things that's ever happened to me and for that i will be eternally grateful.

And trust me when i say that even if i'm not there with you physically, i AM with you.

So don't cloud those beautifully blues eyes over what may happen to me.

 

For whither thou goest, i will go; And where thou lodgest i will lodge;

Thy people shall be my people, and thy god my god.

 

YOURS

Serena Joy

June held the letter close to her chest.

The clock in the living room struck twelve.

Happy New Year Serena.

I love you too.