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About Time

June Osborne gradually realized something over the years.

 

One can never leave Gilead.

 

The years she spent in that place seemed a life time ago.

 

She's physically away from it though -- safe and sound living in Canada with both of her daughters and starting a new life.

 

But every time she closed her eyes at night or looked at Nicole's face, she knew Gilead was still there.

 

Gilead was in her.

 

And she's not sure if she wanted to get out.

 

---

 

The first year was the hardest.

 

June tried to patch things up with Luke but it didn't work, not like it used to.

 

Gilead did that to her.

 

Luke was persistence as first. Helping her with babysitting Nicole even though he's not the father and doing groceries on a weekly basis, lending her money when she couldn't pay the landlord. He's a great man. And a great father.

 

He even took her out for a date once, but it ended the second when June thoughtshe saw someone who looked extremely like a certain tall blonde woman she dreamed about every night. 

 

June couldn't help but feel guilty because the more Luke tried to do, the more it pushed her away. And she hated herself for that when she knew exactly that noneof these was her fault.

 

It was exhausting for them both, so one day June called it off and Luke agreed. 

 

They shared a joint custody of Hannah who didn't seem to be sad when they told her that “Mommy and Daddy are getting a divorce but we love you just the same” 

 

Hannah's always a smart kid. She's just happy that she got both of her parents back and can go to school playing with kids her own age.

 

So, only four months into her new life, June managed to be a 35-year-old woman with no job and two daughters waiting to be fed.

 

Although the Canadian government set up a foundation to help people who were under the persecution of Gilead like June, it was still not enough.

 

That's why June didn't refuse it when the offers of writing a series of books about her stories came from various directions and publishers. 

 

June couldn't say no, she had bills to pay after all.

 

So she picked a publisher that promised her maximum freedom. She can choose what to write and how to write it. 

 

Much to June's surprise, she was not a bad writer. At least that's what her editor, James a 27-year-old who dresses like a rock star all the time, told her.

 

She never dreamed about becoming a writer to be honest. It was time-consuming and brain-cells-killing hard. 

 

But it put a rooftop over her and Nicole's head and bread on their table, so she tried to be grateful as much as she could.

 

And apart from the obvious reasons -- helping people while earning money, there's a reason as to why June finally made up her mind to be an author that she never told anybody about.

 

It was Serena's dream.

 

Serena told her that the night they spent at the cabin.

 

June still remembered the depressed sadness in Serena's voice.

 

It seemed like no matter how hard she tried to forget and move on, Serena was always there to haunt her.

 

That woman.

 

Damn her.

 

June Osborne was not a quitter. Never.

 

She didn't stop looking for Serena.

 

She had thought about going back. But what good could that do? 

 

That way she had to explain the purpose of her trip. To everyone.

 

And she can't. She didn't want to.

 

Serena and what happened between them was a secret. Her secret. 

 

And she'd like to keep it that way. 

 

So June tried and tried with the refugee organization and she even pulled some strings she had with the government -- it was only one string but the Foreign Minister of Canada is a very strong one -- and the answers were always the same.

 

"I'm sorry, Miss Osborne, i can't help you with that."

 

"I'm sorry, Miss Osborne, we really don't have any documents regarding the person you asked about."

 

June could see on their faces that they really were clueless.

 

And she saw the confusions too.

 

It's understandable. No former Handmaids of Gilead ever asked the whereabouts of Gilead's Wives.

 

Except for one June Osborne.

 

But even if she's the most stubborn person in the world, eight months of endless looking and hoping only to get the same negative answer over and over again started to wear her out and make her angry.

 

She was indeed VERY angry.

 

First at the low efficiency and lazy attitude of the government.

 

Seriously, how hard is it for them to locate one fucking person?

 

Secondly at Serena.

 

How dare she leave me alone?

 

And the whole thing about “our apartment nears the big cities” and “spending the rest of my life with you and Nicole” and “will not let you down”?

 

What a load of crap.

 

Finally, June was angry at herself.

 

I should've gone back for her.

 

I shouldn't have left her there.

 

I should've tried harder.

 

When the anger in her became too painful to bear, June would go to Nicole's nursery and watch her daughter sleep.

 

Nicole liked to sleep with her socks on.

 

Just like Serena.

 

June once said “Nicole has your weird sleeping habits” to Serena and got herself a passionate kiss in return.

 

Somehow that fact was the only consolation she got, but it worked more than anything else. 

 

The good new was?

 

She could actually get some sleep these days.

 

---

 

The second year was not as hard but still full of frustrations.

 

The relationship between her and the rest of the world had mitigated a little, and she was not as angry as the first year.

 

But there were still tons of shits waiting for her.

 

Hannah needed to switch to another school because she was a fast-learner like her mother and the kids at the previous one was not as delightful as June and Luke would like.

 

Nicole's one and a half years old now and she needed a lot more attention than before since she learned how to walk.

 

And there's the fucking book deal that's been a real pain in the ass. 

 

June's first book was a hit.

 

Everybody wanted to know what happened and the dirt behind it.

 

What could possibly be more convincing than the woman who actually lived through it and managed to burn it to the ground?

 

She became the media's favourite.

 

Write, print, press. 

 

She hardly had time for her daughters, let alone for herself.

 

Sometimes she wondered if she did everything she could to get out of one purgatory only to walk right into another.

 

But she didn't want to stop.

 

The though of stopping and having time to breath made her sick.

 

Because stopping meant there's time to think, and thinking meant Serena.

 

No. She refused to stop.

 

Other than that, everything's bearable. 

 

It's better than June had thought.

 

The most exciting event in the past year was probably Nicole's first birthday and June was glad to see that everyone she invited showed up. And baby Nicole got an enormous amount of diapers, more than she could possibly need.

 

What really made June's heart had a little bit of relief was that Hannah seemed to really like the idea of having a baby sister and felt sad when she couldn't spend more time with Nicole.

 

It was a conversation waiting to be engaged in the future but for now June decided to let them both off the hook.

 

---

 

June had been in wake for the last two years.

 

Not that she wore all black all day or had a secret shrine or something in her room. 

 

But a little part of her heart that came back to life the night she spend at that fucking cabin did go numb again and slowly dried up piece by piece as the years  went by.

 

As devastating as it was, June forced herself to remember. 

 

About the cabin and about the airport.

 

Because if she didn't, then no one ever will.

 

Maybe it's the Stockholm Syndrome in her, but June's not afraid of thinking back on those days anymore. What she was afraid of, however, was what she remembered of that time, of Serena.

 

She used to remember every glance, every touch and every kiss.

 

Then more she tried to remember, the more seemed to smudge and fade away.

 

First it was the way Serena smiled, then it was the way Serena looked at her. 

 

And now, two years after the collapse of Gilead, when June dreamed of the times they spend together in that little attic room, she remembered nothing but the rosemary scents luring beneath Serena's skin.

 

It scared the shit out of her.

 

She's tried every possible way to prevent her memories from fading.

 

Alcohol, work, even drugs (the mile ones of course, she does have daughters to raise), but none of them helped.

 

The side effects were brutal -- She didn't want to write anymore.

 

She didn't want to be the media and the people's hero and talk about her journey on national television and make money off of it when the truth being she was never the hero and certainly not the person who destroyed that fucking place.

 

She couldn't lie anymore.

 

No matter how hard she had tried to hide it, people still found out. 

 

The self-destructive habits were not June's concerns, but the truth?

 

About why SHE survived and why SHE was the one who got all the applause and flowers.

 

And the truth about Serena.

 

THAT was the real shit show.

 

It made sense that Rita was the first one to notice. She already knew June and Serena had a thing going on, it shouldn't be hard to fill out the blanks. 

To June's appreciation, Rita only offered to babysit Nicole more and when June turned it down she just nodded and never brought it up. 

 

It still made sense that Nick was the second one to figure it all out. Since he was Nicole's father and Nicole's another mother is at God-knows-where, he's been the one taking care of Nicole when June couldn't.  

 

Not to mention that he was their getaway plan, and Serena asked him that herself. It didn't take him very long to put two pieces together. 

 

But it made absolutely no sense that Luke and Moira knew too.

 

Okay, maybe it made some senses.

 

Tuesday was always Luke and Moira's grocery day. And being the wonderful friends they were, they picked up a few things that they thought June needed anddelivered them to June's place.

 

They used the spare key June gave them to open the door when nobody answered it. Just as they put down the things and were about to leave, they noticed that the living room was a mess and it needed some cleaning up.

 

So it was not really a coincidence that they found Nicole's birth certificate got stuffed into the bottom of a broken drawer when they were trying to repair the thing.    

 

June came home that afternoon with Nicole in her arms and found her ex-husband and her best friend sitting in her tidy living room waiting for her with the certificate on the living room's glass table.

 

She tucked a sleepy Nicole in and sat down on one of the chairs and told them everything.

 

Maybe the universe was trying to repay her in some way or it was just pure luck that she had met these wonderful human beings.

 

Because after listening to the whole story, Luke and Moira only told June that her fridge's stuffed and that they should go. 

 

Precisely a week later, when June came home from her work, she noticed that Nicole's birth certificate was hanging on the living room's wall firmly.

 

And she knew that it was Luke and Moira's turn to babysit Nicole.  

 

It was five months ago. 

 

Eventually everybody she cared about knew. And they either said nothing about the new information or showed some kind of support.

 

It's nice. 

 

Disgustingly nice.

 

To a degree that made June secretly wish there's at least one person who would stand out and say "No, that is not okay".

 

So that she could finally have a fight with somebody. Because having a fight with yourself for almost two years was as fun as it sounded.

 

But no. 

 

Instead of confrontation, they comforted. Bathed her in as much understanding asthey could give and everlasting love.  

 

And now, five months later, with Nicole's second birthday coming up, June didn't want to admit it and she hated herself for thinking this way, but part of her was ready to accept the "truth" that everyone's been telling her.

 

That Serena's gone.

 

She's gone and she's not coming back.

 

Her Serena.

 

There was no such thing as happy endings.

 

That only existed in fairy tales.

 

Like the ones Serena and June used to tell to their unborn daughter.

 

Prince Charming always got the girl.

 

But June Osborne was not Prince charming and her life had certainly not been a fucking fairy tale.

 

---

 

Late October in Toronto.

 

June was invited to give a lecture at a university about her best-selling book. And to talk about how she had overcame the difficulties she met in life.

 

Normally June would respectfully decline these things but her agent told her that it's a must-go since the university had been nothing but supportive of them, especially of her, when there were rumors and conspiracy theories about June and her families.

 

So she agreed. 

 

It was a successful lecture. And June's glad to know that she still got her smart tongue.

 

There was a book signing afterwards. June was surprised at how many people wanted to talk to her. And even though it was nice to know that people liked yourcreations, the signing part could really be a bitch.

 

God my wrist hurts.

 

Thankfully, two hours into the signing, there was only one person left and June could finally go home and be with her daughter.

 

"To whom should i sign it to?" June asked trying to sound as nice as possible when a book got placed in front of her. 

 

"Jane." A woman's voice came from above her head.

 

Okay, Jane.

 

"Jane Seroy."

 

I really need to go home now, but of course i have a few more spare seconds to write down your full name.

 

Seroy?

 

"Seroy? It's a very unique last name."

 

Is it polish?

 

"Thanks, it means GREY in Russian."

 

Well, close enough.

 

Wait a second...

 

June's writing hand stopped.

 

I've heard of this voice before.

 

And “Jane Seroy”?

 

June looked up and saw a tall thin figure with ink-black hair standing in front of the table she was sitting behind at.  

 

Who wears sunglasses in October?

 

She wasn't sure what to think. Something about the woman struck her as dangerously familiar.

 

No it can't be. Can it?

 

Then June looked down, at that person's hands. 

 

Gloves.

 

Fucking gloves.

 

"Good to know." June's voice was shaking. 

 

The woman smiled at her and took the book then walked out of the auditorium.

 

---

 

June found the tall woman standing alone at the back of the building outside.

 

There were so many things June wanted to say but her brain went blank the second she saw the sight of that person's back. So she went with the first thing that came in to her mind.

 

"Jane Seroy? Really?" June questioned out loud.

 

Always with the fucking riddles.

 

"I know, I'm a bit rusty at the game."

 

The woman turned around and with that stupid and out of place sunglasses off, June finally got to see her eyes.

 

Blue.

 

Like the most beautiful ocean she'd ever seen. 

 

June knew at that exact moment that God answered her prayers.

 

She's back.

 

June got the girl.

 

"Well, it's a good thing that we've got nothing but time then."

 

June realized that her eyes were watery.

 

Man i am getting old.

 

"No actually."

 

The person in front her shifted her gaze from June's face to her eyes. The woman put both of her hands on June's waist.

 

"We've also got each other."

 

With that, June closed the distance between them and the once dried-up part of her heart melted.

 

June did split her mind for a few seconds while enjoying the kiss, just to be sure i mean, and reached over to her waist and found that person's left hand.

 

One, two, three...FOUR.

 

June can honestly say that she's never been happier.

---

 

"Do you know what's lacking in this room?"

 

June drove them back to her apartment and after a rather emotional reunion with Nicole, her lost-but-found-puppy decided to see the bedroom first.

 

Of course, i wouldn't expect anything less.

 

"I don't, what is it?"

 

June answered in a soft voice and with a smile on her face. She couldn't help it.

 

I can't believe she's here.

 

"A rocking chair."

 

Well, if June had any suspicions regarded to the authenticity of the woman who magically appeared and stood in front of her earlier, she's 1000% sure that the woman who's hand were currently stroking lightly on the small of her back was indeed, Serena Joy.

 

"Seriously, what is it with you and different type of chairs?"

 

June had imagined their reunion many times and she knew it would make her  speechless but this was not the kind of speechless she was hoping for.

 

"Did i not see the clues of a possible fetish or something?"

 

Within only one hour of reuniting, her girl managed to piss her off.

 

Why did i miss her in the first place?

 

"What? I like rocking chairs, it's very soothing."

 

Of course, Serena didn't see the problem and was oblivious as always.

 

Great. She didn't change. At. All.

 

"I don't care if it's the most soothing thing in the world, which it's NOT and never will be in a million years, but if you're not planning on having ridiculously hot sex that would bring every single departed pope back to life while yelling ‘SHAME!’and Henry the Eighth clapping-saying ‘BRAVO’ with me on it?"

 

June found herself getting mad and she poured out the words rapidly knowing that Serena wouldn't be offended.

 

Well, i guess that's why i missed her.

 

"There's no way in hell am i paying for that stupid chair."

 

June finished her speech with a threatening smile.

 

"...I will now. "

 

Serena looked at her with that propitiatory expression on her face that June knew too well.

 

Like she was the parent and June was the baby who just won't stop crying.

 

"Good. And you only get one."

 

It was obvious that it worked on June. Very well.

 

"Yes, Miss Osborne."

 

Serena really didn't change. So fucking annoying.

 

"...too soon?" 

 

Serena's hands that was on her waist froze.

 

"I regretted it the second i opened my mouth. I'm sorry."

 

June sensed that Serena was about to pull her hands away.

 

"It's okay. You don't have to apologize anymore."

 

So she grabbed onto Serena's hands and turned around facing the woman.

 

"At least not for Gilead. I'm sure you're gonna apologize for other stupid things you will most definitely do that'll get on my nerves in the future."

 

June rolled her eyes when she said the words “other stupid things” and she gave Serena a reassuring kiss on the lips. 

 

"Like...getting a second chair?"

 

Serena said right after the kiss with a smitten look.

 

"Exactly."